Warning: talk of death and loss.
I love you so much Chester. I loved your soft ears when I first met you, and then I quickly began to love all of you. I love how exuberant you were in life, how you could never just walk when we were outside, but you had to run with your short little legs. I love how you followed me everywhere, even on long walks for miles and trekking in the woods. I love how you used to escape when we'd tie you up in the backyard, and just run without a destination. Moving to the farm was the best thing we did for you, because you loved that freedom of running around in the country and being a dog.
You were in so much pain and you'd suffered so much before you left, and I'm so sorry. I'm glad that you're not in pain. I held you and put my face in your back like I always did when I took comfort in you, and I treasured your warmth because I knew it wouldn't last after the injection.
I didn't tell you I loved you with my mouth, because I couldn't. I know you know I love you. You went to me, looked at me as they brought you into the room. I smelled you, felt you, heard you breathe, loved loved loved you.
And then I watched the liquid in the syringe become less and less as the chemical was injected into your system. It was a sedative overdose, so you fell asleep.
I hope you felt me holding you, and that you weren't too scared even though I knew you probably were. I'd held you countless times before, but I never felt you grow so heavy.
You sighed and your head got heavy on my arm, and I knew. That was your last breath. I couldn't believe how quickly your life was gone. The vet listened to your heartbeat, and your heart had stopped. It happened so quickly.
I miss you so much and I wish you never had to die, because you were my best friend. You were there for me for so much of my life-- probably even half of it. You were there for me when things were hard; you were my constant.
I'm so sorry we had to put you to sleep, but you were old and you had cancer and the surgery to fix you would have made the remainder of your life pretty difficult. The surgery would have been hard on your old body; living afterwards, healing from it, all of that would have been hard for you. I'm so so sorry that you suffered.
You were the best dog ever, my best friend. I'm so lucky to have had you in my life. I'm so glad you were at the pound that one day my mom went there looking for a dog. That day she found my best friend.
You were old, and I knew your time was coming. I treasured every moment I had with you. I loved seeing you run around youthfully like you used to. I valued every time we cuddled and every time you looked at me.
You looked at me today, for the last time. You looked up at me with your big brown eyes wondering what was going on and why we were in that scary place. I'm sorry you were scared. I hope me being there with you made it better. I hope I felt like home, because you were MY home, you were home to me.
I love you so much. It's going to be difficult and painful to live without you. I don't even know what to do with your food bowl, and your dog hair is still all over the place.
I'm going to miss your warmth and security when I'm sleeping, the way your body feels curled up against mine. I'm going to miss you so much, I love you so much and I love you and I wish you were here. I love you my sweet Chester. I will always love you and miss you.